I wanted to quit EVERYTHING the morning of my daughters bday party.
It felt like I was carrying around a brick on my chest and in my stomach all morning. I couldn’t shake it. I realized the goal wasn’t for me to find ways to shake myself out of this moment. Instead it was there for me to notice, honor and lean into my feelings. For me, I find myself often listening to this voice inside that makes me feel like crap. It tells me I should feel a certain way, which is always negative. For example, if I feel like something is off, I tend to believe that means something is wrong, and when something is wrong, I feel like I have to fix it. Which none of that was the case.
I am human. I am allowed to feel things.
Taking the time to learn about myself, I am now aware of my belief system. The narrative I used to believe was that I could never tell myself a different story or create a different option. When I chose to listen to the voice of “I’m bad, I did something wrong, or I shouldn’t feel that way,” I shame myself by telling myself “I have more than most people, I shouldn’t feel this way, I should just be happy and get over it...” all the common shame phrases that I have heard and believed in the past. Well, when I move in that direction I find this part of me that feels worthless, like I’m not enough and I’m not doing enough. Literally. Purely ignoring my feelings which are valid and deserve to have a voice too. Not in a victim mentality role, but with a posture of wanting to grow and learn.
“The only way to process through a situation no matter how big or small is to allow it to have a voice.” ~ My Note to Self
Meanwhile, here I am giving myself the space I need to heal and invest back into myself in ways I never would do. I am recognizing who I am and where I am and how when I hear that voice of shame I know its lying. So making the choice to see a different option and speaking what is true has become my new normal instead of believing the lies and feeling stuck.
The truth is these past few weeks have been mentally and physically exhausting in our home. From doing a ton of internal work/healing, to business, projects, managing life and all that comes along side me and my family. Life never stops and curve balls are thrown every which way to distract us, test us, and throw us way off course as we continue to grow. In these moments instead of spiraling downward I am learning to stop and feel all the feelings.
“What do I feel in my body?” Is a question I get asked often by my therapist.
My pattern has been to ignore my heart and tend to others. I am really good at helping others move forward to see the light and beauty. (I would say this is true for a lot of us).
To stop and notice my own feelings takes a ton of work for me. I avoid (flight), I fight and I freeze up at all cost and well when I do that I end up hurting myself mentally which then leads to me not knowing what to do. Those moments of loosing control.
But here I am aware now, breaking free from certain mindsets and taking radical shifts in a new direction. This work takes a tremendous amount of focus and intention. So you know what I did for myself? I stopped right before my daughter’s friends showed up and I did some yoga/ballet work.
We all have these moments. Those few minutes that happen in the midst of chaos. Where things become quiet and still. To stop and notice a space to breath is truly a trained behavior that we must become aware of. Something is always there to help us but the question is are we aware enough to stop, notice it and than take action?
I know I am not always aware. I know I miss it and here’s the thing...this awareness isn’t about becoming perfect it’s about noticing and the noticing leading to knowing what to do and grabbing onto the tools I already have within me. The same goes for you too.
On this same day I was watching my husband work from morning until night within Real Estate. The market in AZ is insanely competitive right now. My husband and I know we are the kind of people who serve with our whole hearts. The environment in how we have served people has changed over the years but our hearts still remain the same.
I give the example while laughing as I explain ourselves as the kind of people that don’t clean around things, we pick up everything, clean under things ect...or its like painting a house we take down everything, bathroom towel racks, wall mounts all of it so that everything is done. So you can imagine when my husband gets a call from a client he stops everything and he cares.
Now, having this gift to care can also go south really fast. We have learned too what it feels like to be taken advantage of or walked all over. The people we are today have learned that if we don’t know how to care for ourselves first we will have nothing to give to other’s. So as much as we give we do take the effort to pour back into us. We know what it is like to run on empty and ignore our hearts and so again what does that do?? It Hurt Us.
So, on a day like what we were experiencing we could had both taken a downward spiral, but what happened was in the midst of chaos a little window opened up right before I was going to serve our daughters cake. My husband didn’t have to make a call he thought he was going to have to make and we both stopped and started washing the dishes together. In that moment this warmth came over me. I was finally able to feel all the feelings of peace. Stoping to recognize and be able to express out loud the things that what would normally end in disaster for the both of us we both ended up acknowledging our feelings and took the few minutes we had to breath.
So there we were, washing the dishes, and we knew even though our old selves would want to react out of pain we reacted out of hope.
I wish I could say clarity came instantly, but it didn’t. Sometimes there is an instant shift but sometimes the things you are breaking free from take implementing the new things we are learning over and over again.
This season of healing within our family, learning how to rebuild trust has been all about constant noticing and constant shifting.
My encouragement for you is this. In the everyday hustle and bustle of life all while in the midst of desiring healing within your own life may you too find windows of taking the space and breath you need to refuel yourself in order to keep moving forward. Your Life, Your Mind and Your Emotions will at times feel like a brick. When that happens, notice it.
Ask yourself “What do I feel in my body?” And that question alone will help you notice things you never knew were there.
One more thing I had to say to myself too was this...“Even when I don’t feel like it, do it anyway” and I want to tell you this same thing.
Chances are you aren’t going to want to do what you need to do for yourself but I promise you it’s the only way you are going to break free from old patterns and belief systems. Taking Notice, Feeling all The Feelings, Making Mental and Physical Shifts are all key components in moving forward.