Behind the curtain of my hospital room there I was about to deliver my still born baby girl, Annabelle. For the first time ever it felt like time had stood still. I was deeply afraid, and I didn't know how to respond to all that was happening around me. All I knew was my life was being redefined right before my eyes and I didn't even have time to think about what the next minute and even what the next second had for me. It was like I was partially listening to what my doctor and nurses were saying as a part of me wanted to still live out my motherly duties. I wanted to hold my baby and tell her I loved her. I wished over and over again that my hands were able to fix everything. Isn’t that what us mom’s do? We make everything better.
I felt so alone. I felt lost. I was in disbelief. A part of me wanted to numb everything but then I didn’t want to forget one thing. I wanted to remember. This was my baby. This was now a part of life and there is nothing I could do to turn back the clock.
The process I was about to step into was a 48 hour process. The first 24 hours was all about preparing me and my body for delivery. As I was going through the motions, I remember trying to wrap my head around everything. The doctor had made his last visit until it was time to deliver and check up on me. I remember he looked at me and said “Do you have any questions before I go?” I looked at him and said, “Any question’s I have you can’t answer.”
I wanted to know why this was happening. I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be okay even though nothing was okay. None of this made sense. This isn’t the way it should be. Babies shouldn’t die. I had to mentally wrap my mind around the process though. There was no way around this. This was now my reality and I was going to have to go through with it all. I remembered this song I had listened to all throughout my pregnancy. It was a song by Elevation Worship, Titled “Grace So Glorious.” Within this song there is a line that says “Crowned in Glory to Glory” this line stuck with me and so this is what I carried with me into my delivery room. It was something that I had to mentally think about. That my little girl and her life was now Crowned in Glory with our Heavenly Father. A life that was now made perfect and whole and that she was sitting in the arms of Jesus. Someone who gave His life for us and that he was going to take care of her and give her one beautiful life.
By this time, it was night. The lights were dim in my room. I had to allow my body to rest before morning so I could get ready for the next step in this process. I couldn’t sleep though. I played music to keep my mind focused on Annabelle living a life full of freedom, and as a mom I wanted to experience this life with her. It was the one thing I thought could help me feel close to her. With tears streaming down my face I would take a few deep breaths in and out, closing my eyes to see what it would be like to live a life full of freedom. Little did I know, that in the next moment I would have a chance to experience exactly what I was imagining her life to be.
Morning came and all the nurses and doctor were there. My husband was by my side holding me the whole way through. My mom and dad were there. My mom stood on my other side holding my hand and my dad stood behind the curtain praying for everything to go okay. I told my husband to play music for me so he turned on the the Elevation Worship Album and pressed play. The wildest thing happened. At the very moment when the doctor started to tell me to push our song “Grace So Glorious” started to play. I lost it. I mean I was in full ugly cry mode. I grabbed my husband pulled him in close and said “Oh My God, this is the song!” Annabelle knew. About three pushes later I delivered her. The doctor told me and my husband to look, he said “your baby girl came out in her amniotic sac” We all sat there in awe. I was amazed. I was seeing something that most never get to see. I thought this was something we only see as a picture on a computer or in a doctor’s office of the growing stages of a baby within a mother’s womb. Yet here I was, seeing this right in front of my eyes. In the midst of heartbreak I saw a gift. She looked peaceful just as a baby looks when they are sleeping.
I took this all in. The Doctor opened up the sack and we all were able to hold Annabelle and memorize every beautiful square inch of her.