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What Google Can’t Teach You About Pain
In our society today it is normal to ask Alexa, Seri, Google or whatever devise for just about anything. I know I do it. Sometimes I ask funny questions just to hear what response I will recieve and sometimes I’m genuinely trying to figure out something of value. Like trying to find an answer or solution to a symptom I’m having or something related to my kid’s homework, or what about life situations that pop up, plus researching my interest, ideas etc... The list could go on and on. 

As I was thinking about this, I began to research what we did before google and I found a snip I liked in an article. It said, the early Googling in the twenty-first century is about searching using the Internet. Googling in the 1700's was about looking up things in a book. By the mid-1800's, it was about going down to your neighborhood library. The tools changed, but not the habits. 

I love that: The tools changed, but not the habits.

I think all the access we have to information is good. It’s quite fascinating if you really think about it. However, sometimes we can rely on it so much that we forget we have a brain of our own and a voice inside that no computer or fancy gadget has to offer. 

Life has a way of throwing unexpected/unforeseen circumstances our way and sometimes we get knocked down to only find that it is within those moments when no answers can be found. 

What then? 
Who and what do you turn to? 

I had a moment like this. I refer back to it as “my life behind the curtain.” I say that because I think at some point we all can relate to one another in this area of life. There are events that take place in our lives that we don’t mind people seeing until we face the most raw, vulnerable and unexpected moment in our lives and it feels like we are living behind a curtain. It is when we are experiencing emotions and feelings we’ve never endured before. 

This moment for me was when I was in the hospital about to deliver my stillborn baby Annabelle. I remember the doctor coming into my room telling me about the next 48 hours and how it was going to go for me. He did his best to prep my husband and me. It was a conversation no one would ever want to hear, but sadly too many families do encounter similar moments like this. At the end of him talking to me he asked “do you have any questions?” My response was “any questions I have, you can not answer.” He understood. From that point on it was now a battle between me and my mind. It was silent. The room was heavily filled with the outpour of effortless tears that I could not control. 

What do you say in times like this? 

Have you ever had a moment like this? When your faced with no words. I bet you have. If I was sitting with you I would give you a hug right now. I hope you can feel my words at the moment and I hope you know you are not alone in the pain that you are carrying. Your pain though is specific to you and when things are that specific no person, place or thing can take away the pain. Sure, we can all help and say “I am here if you need a shoulder to cry on.” But in those midnight hours when it’s just you, you realize how much faith it takes to carry on through the pain. 

My friends, living life takes faith. Period. Going through pain takes faith to know victory is on the other side. It is most certainly a process. You take it one moment at a time and one breath at a time...even when you feel like you can’t breath, remind yourself “I’m still breathing.” I believe within these moments of our lives is when you can feel a presence that is far greater than you helping you through your specific situation. 

I encourage you to draw on that strength. Draw on the Creator, the One who set everything in motion. No matter what your beliefs are, no one can deny that the uncertainty is among all of us. The Devine, God, Universe, Energy and Light are here to guide us. It is not just a “feel good” thing to say that helps people get through hard times. It is a fact. Faith is a real thing and it is possible to cling too. 

Prior to my behind the certain experience I remembered I had a lot that stood out to me so when my situation happened I had to search for those specifics and choose to set my eyes on those things. This isn’t the process for everyone, nor am I saying this is what you have to do. However, I do believe there are things that are constantly trying to get our attention and it’s really up to us to open our eyes and choose to see beyond our circumstances. The timing of which and when these moments come will all play out so differently within your personal situation. There is no right or wrong here. For me, My specifics were images, dreams, music and words that stood out to me as a way for me to keep my eyes fixed on something far greater than the pain I was experiencing. I still had to go through the painful process of what those 48 hours looked like and then after that it was the painful process of grieving and trying to maneuver through life again. Trust. This word, oh how hard a word to come to know, but at the sometime it became so, so real to me.

One of the hardest realities for me was as much as my life seemed to be at a standstill, the truth was, life keeps going. Of course, it’s okay to slow down a bit. In fact it’s necessary too. If we don’t take time for the feelings to sink in then we miss the lessons we need to learn along the way. 

About three years later just one year ago actually I lost another baby. This time is was my son Ethan. I had no idea my family and I would go through another loss, but what I can tell you now is had I not taken the time to heal from Annabelle and feel every ounce of that pain that I carried, I know I would have not been able to carry on through it a second time. This next process taught me a whole lot more, but the difference now is I am open to whatever it is I will have to face and endure. No way in hell does this make anything any easier it’s just the view point at which we are able to look at it becomes a bit more clear. These moments HAVE made my family and I stronger and I believe your situation will do the same for you. 

Hang on to every moment. Each emotion, feeling, thought and decision play a huge part into how your life unfolds and it will give you the will power to keep moving forward. I believe the specific pain you are carrying is a significant one. So much will be revealed through time. Please, whatever do you do take some time to breath. 
You Are Not Alone.